Apologies

Sorry for the recent inactivity. All my blogging effort has been put into the Chiefschat because of the NFL draft. Look for a new post monday night.

For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, now and forever, amen.

A gift to the foes of Mordor

Last night I received a rare (not that rare) gift: 8 hours to myself in the middle of night to do whatever I want.  I usually try to do something on my nights off, or at the very least tweak my sleep schedule so that I can get to bed at a reasonable hour.  But sometimes neither of those things happen, and the result is what I like to call a “Big Hatt Special” – a weird, sleepless night spent alone.

I had worked 4 nights straight, so I was really lookin’ forward to a night off.  The plan was to sleep about 5 hours and then get up, go for a run, shower, nosh, go to my boy Alec Gross’ show, get drunk, and be home around 3am ready for bed.  Pretty good night on paper.  It started off according to plan.  I went to bed around noon after I got home from work, then slept until about 5.  Got up, took my girl Stella for a run, showered, and ate 2 bowls of apple sauce.  I was sittin’ pretty.  Then I got a call from my boi Comix sayin’ he had a fresh bag-o-stonay and was coming over to try it out.  Uh-oh.

I woke up at 3am sluggish, disoriented, and very hungry.  I’d been out for almost 4 hours.  My apartment was pitch black and the TV was replaying those damnable HBO OnDemand ads.  I swear I’ve seen that fucking commercial for Soul Men at least 100 times.  The part where Bernie Mac says “What’s wrong wit’ you woman?” is permanently ingrained in my brain.  I think I had once again fallen asleep whilst trying to finish Deception.  Looks like I’m gonna have to give up on that one (sorry Jackman, I’ll make it up to you).

So there I was with an entire night/morning ahead of me and literally nothing on the docket.  That, mine friends, is a wonderful feeling.  The icing on the cake was that my roommate was gone, so I could watch the TV as loud as I wanted and use his computer at will, only to sneak it back onto his bed before he arrived home the next day.  The perfect crime (he doesn’t care if I use his computer).

I started off reading, only because I knew I had to get that out of the way before I started drinking.  Reading and drinking definitely do not mix.  I’ve done extensive research on this, and the result is the same every time: 0% recall.  After maybe an hour of this I took Stella for a walk around the hood.  It was beautiful outside and there was no one around.  All in all, I’d have to say 4am April-October is the best time to walk a dog.  Perfect weather, perfect privacy, perfect silence.  A really loud fart can be heard 2 blocks away (I assume).  When I got home I busted out the computer and started dickin’ around.  This is dangerous, because if you aren’t careful you can flush your whole night down the turlet.  Internet surfing is just as bad as watching TV, if not worse.  You gotta put a time limit on that shit.

At this point a nosh was a necessity.  No frills, I just made a giant pot of spaghetti and devoured it homeless man style.  It was now 6am, and I was feelin’ a little thirsty so I headed down to the corner store and picked up a six-pack of Heineken.  $10.  Not a terrible price actually.  The place by Keggers’ crib charges like 14.  Unacceptable.  Fuck you, Keggers.  When I was coming out of the store this guy walked by, pointed to my beer and said, “My kind of breakfast!”  It was then that I realized how pathetic I must look.  I was wearing pajama pants and a Nathan’s hot dog t-shirt.  Kneedlez to say, I hurried home before the sun could fully rise.

This was the part of the night/morning I’d really been looking forward to.  There were new epis of The Wire on demand, and since the characters in that show are always drinking it only seemed appropriate that I should do so myself.  I watched two episodes while making a conscious effort not to drink my beers too fast.  I knew I’d be up until at least 10 and I didn’t want to have to go back to that corner store at 8 for more beers.  Even I have some shame.

I spent the last 2 hours of my solo hang blogging on the Chiefschat while watching Fellowship of the Ring.  At this point I was kind of drunk.  It was awesome.  I could write leisurely and then look up when one of my favorite parts was on.  I finished my blog post right at the end of disk 1, and decided I was finally ready to turn in.  My beers were gone, my spaghetti was gone, my youth was gone.  It was truly a great night.

Before I went to bed I took Stella on one last walk.  It was 10:30am, an hour of the day I almost never see anymore.  It was beautiful outside, and people seemed happy to be alive.  I was too.  Still, I couldn’t help but realize that the life I’ve chosen keeps me from ever being a part of this time of day.  Am I OK with that?  It ain’t no thing in the winter, but in the summer months sleeping during the day definitely has its drawbacks.  I can’t help but feel like maybe I’m missing something.  Then again, so are all you loser daywalkers.  I mean when was the last time you got drunk by yourself at 7 in the morning?

Hudson Hawk

Was that the name of a TV show?  I feel like it was.  Or was it a movie?  Big Hatt needs a hand here.

Anyway, there’s this doberman named Hudson staying here right now.  This fucking dog is driving me crazy.  He just barks nonstop all night.  And its a really hideous scream bark, too.  It’d be one thing if I could put him in the back with the other dogs, but when he’s back there he just gets them all riled up and then everyone starts barking.  So I have to keep him alone in the playroom, which is closer to me.  He still won’t stop barking.  Some dogs have a problem with this, but will usually go to sleep if ignored for an hour or so.  Or maybe they’re just scared and need a little love, at which point they’ll calm down.  Not this guy.  I went in there to try to chill him out and he barked in my face for 10 minutes straight.  He wouldn’t even let me pet him.  I tried to and he snapped at me.  I really hate this dog, and I almost never hate dogs.  At the end of my time in the playroom with him I found myself contemplating revenge.  At that point I knew it was time to take a walk…..a stonay walk.

Watched the first half of the Ewen McGregor/Hugh Jackman thriller Deception this morning.  I wanted to see this in the theater, but restrained myself.  You know, because its obviously bad?  But there’s just something about Jackman*.  I don’t know what it is.  The guy is rarely in good movies (outside of my boi The Prestige of course).  Could it be that I like him simply because of how handsome he is?  Yes.  Yes!  A thousand times YES!!!

*I want to see the movie Australia.  I’ve been told this is unbelievably lame.

Just googled Hudson Hawk.  Turns out its a movie starring Bruce Willis and Andie McDowell.  Dollars to donuts Sweetums and probably Radius already knew that.

There are a few comedies out right now I’d like to see, but I think I should limit myself to just one of them due to the exorbitant prices of movie tickets and the upcoming nerdfest in the month of may (Wolverine and Star Trek!).  The comedies I’m referring to are Adventureland, Observe and Report, and I Love You Man.  Anybody got any intel for me on any of those?  Aputow has a great track record, but I’m just not really interested in this movie.  Seems kind of girl-oriented.  Then again, I thought that about Forgetting Sarah Marshall too and it was hilarious.  Observe and Report looks like the most interesting of the three, but can I really go see another mall cop movie?  Paul Blart left wounds that never fully healed (I didn’t see Paul Blart).  In the end I’ll probably go with Adventureland simply because it has that SNL presence.  Hader and Wiig?  Yes please!

Speaking of SNL, am I the only one who thought the Zach Efron episode this weekend was really funny?  Big-time comeback for the show if you ask me.  And they needed it too, because ever since  the Christmas break the shows have been pretty mediocre.  Not bad exactly, I definitely had a few laughs at the Rogen show, the Tracy Morgan show, and even The Rock’s show.  But none of those were consistently good.  I thought this one was.  Wiig’s Kathie Lee deaf person impression?  Talk about havin’ a laugh.  I always enjoy that sketch actually.  I think its a really great showcase of Wiig’s talent.  She’s constantly doing funny stuff the entire sketch.  And I can’t believe they brought Gilly back.  That was a shock, albeit an extremely pleasant one.  Is it wrong that I kind of want to have sex with Gilly?  You know what, don’t say anything, I already know its wrong.  Lets just drop it, OK?

Other highlights of the show were the sketch where Armisen played the mom in the commercial and Michaela Watkins’ Angie Tempura character.  I don’t know why, but I really love that character.  The different ways she says “Bitch Please” get me every time, and she never does it the same way twice.  Also, how hilarious was that commercial for the junk mail company?  Maybe its just me (the thing didn’t even make it to Hulu) but I thought that was a laugh riot.  The part where Sudeikes talks about how the trees were there anyway got a big laugh out of yours truly.  Granted, I could’ve done without that horrendous Casey Wilson sketch at the end, but if that stink-bomb gets her one step closer to unemployment, then so be it.

I’ll tell you who else is on her way to unemployment: my girl Germ’s girl Amy Poehler.  Caught the premier of her new show, Parks and Recreation.  Holy moly was it ever bad.  She was basically just doing a bad Michael Scott impression the entire time.  In fact, the whole show was pretty much a direct copy of The Office.  No originality whatsoever.  We all know I hate Poehler, but even I wasn’t expecting it to be that awful.  We’ll count this as one for our side.

Here’s another one for our side: I just got a text from my boi E Ropes saying Billy Mays has his own reality show.  Ni-iiiiiiiiiice!!!!

Brooklyn vs Manhattan

note: I fixed the link to Ahlborn’s article. Sorry it didn’t work at first.

As I’m sure most of you know by now, I live in Brooklyn, not Manhattan.  There are a variety of reasons for this, which I’ll get to in a minute.  What you probably don’t know (unless you too are a New Yorker, in which case this post will be very boring to you) is that there is something of a rivalry between Brooklyners and Manhattanites.  People are often fiercely loyal to their borough, to the point of refusing to venture beyond its boundaries.  This has always struck me as somewhat excessive, but when it comes to inexplicable grudges, I most definitely live in a glass house.

I have friends who live in Manhattan, but virtually all of my regular crew lives in Brooklyn.  This is more a reflection of our low socio-economic status than anything else.  Apartments in Manhattan are fuckin’ pricy, son!  But thats no reason to eschew the city entirely.  I’d say I head to Manhattan about once a week for social purposes.  My favorite movie theater is there, my comedy shows are there, and most of my friends’ music shows are there.  Basically, I go into Manhattan with a specific destination or event in mind.  If I don’t have a reason to go there, I stick to Brooklyn.  All in all, I’d say I like Brooklyn better.  There are several reasons for this.

1. Ya boi be poor, mon!- Brooklyn is much less expensive, both the housing and the bars.  In Greenpoint, my neighborhood, it is not hard to find a bar with reasonably cheap beer specials.  It is virtually impossible to do this in Manhattan.  At the Living Room, one of my most frequented music venues, imports run you $7.  IN-A-PROPRIATE!
2. Ya boi hates crowds, mon!- Brooklyn is much less crowded than Manhattan.  If a bar is jam-packed and the music is so loud you can’t talk to people, I want out.  My girl Cena likes going to this place called Home Sweet Home where you can’t move or even hear yourself think.  I don’t see the fun in that.  I’d rather kick it at a dive bar and share laughs (and outdoor stonay breaks) with actual friends.  Generally speaking, everything in Brooklyn is much more laid back.
3. Ya boi likes trees, mon!- I like neighborhoods.  Brooklyn has ‘em, Manhattan doesn’t.  That might actually be too general a statement.  I guess it would be more accurate to say that Brooklyn neighborhoods remind me more of KC neighborhoods.  That’s not to say they’re similar, because they aren’t.  But Manhattan is basically just a gigantic downtown, whereas Brooklyn is more similar to, I don’t know, Westport?  I didn’t do a very good job with this point.  The crux of it is that Brooklyn has way more trees, and I find that comforting.
4. Ya boi eats at home, mon!- If you love and can afford to eat out, I’ll readily admit Manhattan is probably better for you.  Brooklyn is no slouch, but Manhattan is jam-packed with restaurants of all kinds.  And if you want fast food (as I occassionally do), Manahttan is definitely better for that too.  You can’t find a decent FF nosh in Brooklyn.  Still, lack of chains is hardly an indictment of my borough.  If anything, it gives it a much more authentic feel.  As opposed to Times Square, which is a fucking joke.  You might as well bust a hang in suburban St. Louis.  And anyway, I hardly ever eat out.  Financial aspect aside, I think I legitimately enjoy cooking.  I like to go to a big grocery store, really stock up, and live off that for a month or so.  I’ve got 3 grocery stores to choose from in my neighborhood, all within walking distance.  I know which place has the best produce, which has the cheapest cereal, which has the best frozen foods section, etc.  When its all said and done, I can keep my food bill down to about $200/month and still eat pretty well.  This would be impossible in Manhattan.
5. Ya boi likes cool people, mon!- This is the big one.  I mentioned earlier that most of my friends live in Brooklyn.  It’s only natural that I would gravitate towards that.  My stonay hangs are here, my dive bar hangs are here, my rooftop hangs are here, my sports (watching) hangs are here.  Almost all of my top people are here.  That’s not to say Manhattan doesn’t have cool people too.  It does.  There are a lot of people I really like in the city.  But there are also a lot of people I really don’t like.  Allow me to get to the reason I did this post to begin with.

Click that link.  Read that shit.  It’s a blog post by Kate Ahlborn, a silver-spoon wannabe socialite who writes for Vanity Fair.  It’s people like that her give Manhattan a bad name.

“Somehow it happened that in all the years I’ve lived in New York City, I’d never been to Brooklyn.”

We’ll start with that.  I mean what the fuck?  Lived here for years (as a writer, no less) and never even been to Brooklyn?  That is just straight-up pathetic.  The thing is, its probably not that uncommon.  I always hear people on the 6 train laughing about Brooklyn likes its an African shanty-town 2,000 miles away.  My borough may be jam-packed with wannabe hipsters hating on Manhattan for the wrong reasons, but the kind of stuck-up ignorance Kate Ahlborn and her type displays is untouchable by anything we got over here.  Par exampla:

“Perhaps my tweed J. Crew jacket and Tory Burch ballet flats weren’t the best wardrobe choice for that day, but I overcame the fact that I was a total Williamsburg misfit and hoped my foreigner status wouldn’t be glaringly obvious to the natives. (It was.)  After narrowly escaping death by skateboard on the Bedford subway platform, I made my way to a rickety building in what felt to me like Brooklyn’s outer banks.”

As if anyone gives a fuck what this dumb bitch is wearing.  And her “Brooklyn adventure” was in Williamsburg?  Give me a god damn break.  My mom has been to Williamsburg.  And the Bedford L is literally the closest stop to Manhattan there is.  It doesn’t get any tamer than that.  And check out this ending:

“I left the rickety building slightly shaken up and eager to get back to Manhattan.  After this experience, I’m fairly certain that’s exactly where I belong. “

Yeah, me too.  Don’t come back.  You, and everyone like you, fucking suck.  You are why Brooklyn is better than Manhattan.

And that’s where its at…..with Big Hatt

I wish I had more free time…..just kidding.

After that lunch (which was fine, btw) I got home around 3 and went to bed until 10pm.  Then I got up, watched TV until 8am, and went to bed until noon.  Got up, showered, took Stella for a run, then we both fell asleep on the couch until 5.  Basically there was a 26 hour span that consisted of 14 hours of sleep and 10 hours of television.  I’m legitimately embarrassed about this.  I wasn’t even stonay.

Bullet points baby!

• I’ve always thought Beyonce might be retarded.  This whole “Sasha Fierce” thing confirms it.
• Jewles got a home in East Brooklyn.  I don’t know the person who took her or who forwarded them the email, but thank you.
• Currently listening to an interview with serial killer Richard “The Iceman” Kuklinski.  I don’t approve of murder (well, not all murders), but the man has got a great voice.
• Lookin’ to spend less time in bars.  I don’t think I really have fun in them anymore.
• Comic books are awesome.  Still.
• Played pool with some British girls last night.  One of them seemed like she was kind of into me.  Being very flirtatious, touching my arm, laughing at my jokes, etc.  Then she went home with a handsome black man and I went home with Crumbs.
• Actually, I still have fun in bars.  Who am I kidding?

If you’re at all like me and you a) think it’s ridiculous how being religious is automatically supposed to make someone a good person, and b) like getting angry, check out this article on KC Royals manager Trey Hillman.  It’s totally insane.  Here’s a taste:

Whoa. This just turned serious. Dad’s face loses all humor. God is very real. It’s more important, Dad says, for you to love Jesus Christ than it is for you to love me. The words come calm and steady. “Son, it’s more important for me to spend time with Jesus Christ than it is to spend time with you.”

That quote is meant to cast the father in a positive light.  Seriously.

I feel sick

Just noshed an entire medium pizza from Papa John’s.  I usually eat dinner right before I go to work, but even then its 11 hours until I get home.  Sometimes I can go without eating, and sometimes I can’t.  P-Johns has this amazing $7 carryout deal that is often too hard to pass up.  I totally demolished this za, homeless man style.  Just cramming food down my gullet at warp speed without even stopping to breathe.  When I’ve got no one to impress I eat like a total slob.  I don’t know why, but its what comes naturally.  In college I once went a whole semester without using silverware (in my home, in public I obviously adjusted).  I thought it was stupid since I always wash my hands after I eat anyway, so I quit using it….for anything.  Even things like mashed potatoes or baked beans I would eat with my hands.  I think this should probably be in the Guinness book as the all-time lamest form of rebellion against social norms.  Anyway, it eventually got too gross even for me.  I remember this one time in particular I was eating barbecue and one of my roommates told me I was making him sick*.  I looked down at my hands, which were completely covered in filth up to the wrists, and decided it was time to rejoin society (at least somewhat).

*I still get a good laugh when I think about the look on his face when he said that.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that I’m eating lunch with rich people tomorrow and I’m a little nervous about it.  A client of my dad’s is visiting New York and for some reason everyone (except me apparently) thought it would be a great idea if we hung out together.  I can eat like a civilized person when I have to, its not that I’m worried about.  I just don’t really spend any time among legitimate rich people and I’m worried I won’t fit in.  I may have grown up in an upper-middle class(?) family, but I’m a straight-up poor person now.  For one thing, I almost never eat out.  What if this guy asks me where we should go?  What the fuck am I supposed to say to that?

And its not just him I’ll be hanging out with either.  His wife and daughter will also be in attendance.  His daughter lives here and is apparently a singer of some kind.  I checked out her myspace page.  Pretty girl, good voice, looked promising.  And then there it was: a bible verse in her “about me” section (Gulp).  I’ll put that right between  “career” and “personal life” in the “topics to avoid” file.  Man, I better hope there’s some interesting weather tomorrow or I could be in trouble.

In all fairness, I’m making this sound much worse than it actually is.  This guy is very rich, but he’s from Springfield, MO, and my dad says he’s a pretty cool, down to earth person.  We talked on the phone tonight and he seemed like a regular, funny guy.  The reason we’re going out to lunch to begin with is he’s apparently got some sort of connection to a comedy club owner in NYC and he wants to help me out.  So that could be cool.  I’m just very nervous about intruding on this family’s time together.  These people are in town for 2 days visiting their daughter, I don’t see them being too excited to hang out with some poor loser fresh off a 10 hour graveyard shift at the kennel.  And you gotta think this daughter is feeling just as awkward about this as I am.  If my parents were in town visiting me the last thing I’d want is some client’s son hangin’ around lookin’ for a handout.  I’d be like, “who’s that poor-ass turd in the stupid Chiefs jacket?”

Sometimes people don’t suck

So, like I said, I think I’ve found a home for my girl Jewles.  As a result of mass forwarding of the email I sent out, I came into contact with an elderly couple in Northwest Indiana who would like to adopt Jewles.  It seems like a perfect fit.  The only problem is the whole Northwest Indiana thing.  In order to seal this deal I’d have to rent a car and drive 12 hours each way.  That’s quite a jaunt, and I’m not exactly in a position to be flushing money down the turlet on something as stupid as gasoline.  Can I ask this sweet, elderly couple to pay for my travel when I already said everything would be free of charge?  Is that wrong?  I’m trying to do the right thing here, but your boy is freakin’ poor son!

I’ll figure it out.  The important thing is Jewles has a taker.  I did it.  This is the first good thing I’ve done since, well, the last time I went to Quintiles I guess.  Granted this isn’t quite that rewarding, but still.

Big ups go to all those who forwarded this blog link or the email I sent along.  There are a lot of you, and I’m very grateful.  You’ve actually restored my faith in humanity somewhat, if you can believe that.  I was getting emails from people I didn’t even know offering to foster Jewles or help in various other ways.  It warmed my heart.  But it also begs the question: will people be this willing to help me out when I’m inevitably homeless and in need of a place to stay?  Stay tuned for a few years (5 max) to find out.

My Girl Jewles, revisited

I think I may have found a home for Jewles.  Very excited about this.  More as it develops.

My girl Jewles

Note: This is an email I sent out a few days ago.  I thought I’d post it here as well in the hopes of reaching a few more people.  Thanks for reading.

Hello everyone,

It’s me, your old pal Matt.  I’m writing to you not for any of the usual reasons (boredom, lame comedy show plugs, threats) but rather on behalf of a canine friend of mine.  Her name is Jewles, she lives in the shelter wing of my work, and unfortunately, time is running out for her.

Jewles was abandoned by her family about 4 months ago.  She had lived with a young couple her whole life, but then a few years ago this couple had twins.  Jewles became very attached to these twins, and as they grew older she started to be extremely protective of them.  Apparently this became a problem, as Jewles would growl at anyone she didn’t know who got too close to these kids.  I guess it was out of control how protective of them she was, like they were her puppies or something.  So the father (who is a total prick) decided to get rid of her.

This strikes me as a pretty shitty way for a dog to lose its family.  Throw in the fact that Jewles was clearly abused* (after spending enough time around shelter dogs you can easily tell), and this becomes an even worse story.  Abusive husband, dog who is protective of the children…I mean you do the math.  My guess is my girl Jewles took exception to the way this dickhead was treating his children and took a bite out of his ass.  Can’t be sure, but that would be my guess.  So anyway, the point is this dog was basically abandoned for being too loyal.  That sucks.

*If dogs are abused they can go one of two ways.  Either they become mean and nasty and are ruined forever, or, if shown a little love, some come back and turn into the greatest dogs in the world.  My little Stella is one of these.  So is Jewles.

Jewles has been here a while, and we can’t seem to find a home for her.  I won’t lie, she is a scraggly mutt.  She has these brown streaks in her fur that make her look filthy even when she’s clean, and the whites of her eyes are always red, giving her a very stoney look.  The bottom line is that she’s ugly (although she manages to retain a certain mangy cuteness), and people don’t want to adopt an ugly dog.  That also sucks.

Jewles may be ugly, but she’s smart.  Like crazy smart.  For instance, she can open doors.  No matter what cage we put her in, she gets out.  I’m always finding her just creeping around this place in the middle of the night.  Not doing anything bad, just hangin’ out.  Sometimes I’ll look up and she’ll be right there staring at me.  It’s offputting, but also hilarious.  I have never met a dog like this, and I’ve met a lot.  She is undoubtedly bizarre, but also very well-behaved and gentle.  If you take her on a walk she trots right next to you at whatever pace you want to go.

So here’s the deal: if you or anyone you know are looking for a loyal, sweet, friendly, low-maintenance dog, Jewles is the dog for you.  She requires almost no care.  She likes people, but doesn’t get too excited and jump all over you.  It’s more her style to just lurk in the shadows or maybe lay next to you quietly and give you a single lick on the hand when you’re not looking.  And I’ve never heard her bark.  Not once.  This dog is freakin’ awesome.

If you want her, I’ll bring her to you.  No matter where you live.  Jewles is too great to get put to sleep.

Sincerely,
Big Hatt

PS Sorry if this is random, I know I haven’t talked to some of you in a while.  I’m gonna risk bugging you all a little because I really want Jewles to find a home.

PPS Just to be sure about Jewles’ temperament, I ran an aggression test I came up with on her.  Basically this test consists of messing with the dog’s tail, the bottom of its paws, and its mouth, which are the 3 main trouble spots in terms of pissing a dog off.  I put Jewles through the ringer and she didn’t so much as pull away (although she did look at me like I was crazy).  By contrast, when I ran this test on another dog a few weeks ago it promptly bit me.

Hair of the dog, bro

I got kinda drunk while watching the MU game today.  That makes 3 straight days of drinking, which is a rarity for me these days.  Last night me and Crumbies got all wasted drinking $2 PBRs at a dive down the street from my house, and the night before I sucked down a sixer of tall boys while watching The Wire* on demand.  That was a solo hang.  Matter of fact, the total number of people I hung out with during those 3 days of drinking is 2.  That’s right folks, only 2 people in 3 days of drinking.  That’s got to be some sort of  record.

Solo drinking is undoubtedly fun, but I’ve been overindulging lately.  Sometimes on saturday nights when everyone else goes home for the night I head to Doc Holliday’s and oggle the tattooed bartenders.  They’re not even hot.  And I don’t talk to them, or anyone else, while I’m there.  People there must really think I’m a weirdo.  I always end these bizarre affaires with a fish sandwich nightcap from Papaya Dog.  Good lord do they ever make a good fish sandwich.  I got a free one on Valentine’s Day, prompting me to declare it “the best Valentine’s Day of all time.”  I actually told the guy that when he gave me the sandwich.  They love me there.

Things get way weirder when I stay in and drink.  I always do this when my roommate is out of town.  I love having the place to myself.  It’s like a vacation…..at home!  There’s just something awesome about being able to do whatever you want whenever you want.  When I’ve got a night off and there’s nobody home it is a virtual certainty I’ll be stayin’ in.  That’s been true ever since college.  Usually the formula for these solo hangs is pretty much the same:

step 1) take shirt off

step 2) get all stonay

step 3) eat fish product of some kind

step 4) Go to the corner store and purchase either domestic tall boys or dutch imports (shirt must briefly be put back on for this step)

step 5) Put on Ryan Adams or REM cd and read nerdy book, preferably Dune or LOTR; begin drinking

step 6) When reading is no longer an option, get all stonay and switch to DVD (Battlestar, LOTR, Star Wars, Band of Brothers, Arrested D) or HBO on Demand (The Wire, Rome, Prannies).

It is at the end of this step that things get weird.  I’m drunk, I’m high, it’s 4am, yet due to my unnatural sleep schedule I am not yet ready for bed.  Basically its just me and the ol’ brain.  Anything can happen.  Here are some of the top options:

• Talk to Stella (she’s laying right next to me for steps 1-6)
• Go for a walk
• Brood on hatred of human race
• Write terrible, unusable jokes
• Take a bath
• Re-organize my bookshelf
• Eat a can of corn
• Hold my hand over a candle flame and laugh maniacally

Then, at around 6am or so, I’m ready for bed, another great night in the books.

*Season 2 of the Wire is on demand right now, which for my money is by far the best.  That dock workers’ union storyline is fascinating to me.  The Wire is obviously great at tackling social issues, but most of them are things I’ve at least thought about before (schools, newspapers, politics).  Season 2 deals with things I had never even considered.  Must-see TV.