In yet another act of secular terrorism against the one true god, the US government has seized control of Dinosaur Adventure Land, a creationist theme park in Pensacola, Florida. And for what? What crime could possibly justify such an audacious affront to the Lord our god? (not to mention his son…..Jesus!)
[Kent Hovind] was found guilty in November 2006 on 58 counts, including failure to pay employee taxes and making threats against investigators. The conviction culminated 17 years of Hovind sparring with the IRS. Saying he was employed by God and his ministers were not subject to payroll taxes, he claimed no income or property.
Oh. 58 counts, huh? That seems high to me. I mean the guy is doing God’s work, for crying out loud! So what, you’re telling me if I obey a voice from the sky telling me not to pay my taxes I can get arrested for that? Sorry, US government, but I got no truck with that kind of attitude. My immortal soul is at stake here. I bet your ancestors were the guys telling Abraham not to murder his only son. How’d that work out for them? I don’t remember hearing about any of those haters making a covenant with Yahweh.
On the plus side, there are still several more creationist dinosaur theme parks out there…..all in the south! Turns out if you want the real story of dino-history, you gotta head below the Mason-Dixon line to get it. Talkin’ bout places like Alabama, Mississippi, Kentucky. Only their residents are enlightened enough to clue you in. And while you’re there you might want to ask them about a little something known as the End of Days. It’s coming, and only those with the strength of character to vote against gay marriage are gonna make it through intact. For ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great. (Revelations 19:18. Seriously)
Ah, the south. The source of so many laughs. Terrifying, infuriating laughs. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if they’d won the Civil War and been allowed to secede. How much more ridiculous would that region be than it is now? Would they have prospered, or would their reliance on a slave-based agrarian economy have been doomed to eventual failure? How long would they have clung to slavery before external pressure forced them to join the rest of the civilized world? It’s possible the south would never have become a “developed” country if left to its own devices. It’s also possible they would’ve remained our enemy up to the present day. I say “they”, although Missouri was technically allied with the south in the Civil War, so I suppose I should say “we”. Although I really don’t want to. I think the south is probably the region of the country I’d fit in the least. But hey, maybe not. This woman who brings her dog to my work has been commenting for months now on my “Georgia accent.” I told her I was from Kansas City and she was like, “Well there you go. I knew it.” Because up here, Kansas City is the same as Georgia. But I guess thats a whole different kind of ignorance, isn’t it? We’ll save that for another day.
