The art of the one-on-one hang

As I get older (and crazier), I find myself busting more one-on-one hangs.  Part of this is due to moving away from my cocoon of fellow KC perverts, but part of it is also due to an increasing appreciation for the art of the 2 person tete-a-tete (probably due to getting older and lamer).  If two people are comfortable with each other, they can cover much more ground in a conversation than 4 or 5 people could.  Less clutter, less conflicting views, less interuptions.  Ultimately, more control.  The topic won’t change until you’re done with it.  And you don’t have to worry about leaving someone out.  Most importantly, you know you have your compatriot’s undivided attention, and he/she has yours.  I think it would be accurate to say that as the number of people in a conversation goes down, the focus goes up.  As far as mental stimulation is concerned, this is undoubtedly a good thing.

Of course there are drawbacks to the one-on-one hang.  You can’t bust one with just anybody.  If you’re not comfortable with someone, a one-on-one hang can be downright painful.  And its not just about how long you’ve known someone, or even how close your friendship is.  One-on-one comfort transcends either of those things.  I’ve honestly never been able to figure out what makes such a hang work with one friend but fail with another.  Having shared experiences or common interests obviously helps, but even those can only go so far.  A truly great one-on-one partner has to have those mysterious intangibles.  You don’t even necessarily have to like each other, your brains just have to click in a certain way.

Take my boi Kneedlez, for instance.  Kneedlez is an extremely divisive character who inspires a wide array of emotions among everyone who knows him.  Mention his name around four people, and be prepared for four entirely different reactions.  Is he worthy of respect?  Disrespect?  No one ever seems to agree.  One thing that everyone can agree on, however, is that Kneedlez is one of the great one-on-one hangers of all time.  He relishes a good two person hang, and he can always make it work.  He puts his fellow hanger totally at ease.  I’ve busted many one-on-ones with Kneedlez, and they’re always very enjoyable.  He’s relaxed, affable, and totally in his element.  The conversations are both friendly and stimulating, and there is never a lull or moment of discomfort.  It’s an impressive skill.  What makes it all the more impressive is that Kneedlez, in addition to being one of the great one-on-one hangers of all time, is one of the worst group hangers of all time.  Get the guy in a group of more than 3 or 4 people, and he is visually uncomfortable.  So much so that his discomfort spreads.  He starts shifting in his chair and casting furtive glances towards any and all escape routes.  It becomes obvious he doesn’t want to be there, and his vibe can affect the entire hang.  Its possibly the weirdest social dichotomy I’ve ever observed.

What makes a person good at one type of hang but bad at another?  Hard to say.  It’d be too easy to use the tired old “introvert”, “extrovert” tags.  To me, the more those words get used the less they mean.  When people describe themselves as either I can’t help but think it sounds pretentious.  And neither really apply to this topic in my opinion.

Anyway, I’m not gonna waste time discussing what makes a person a good group hanger, because those traits are less interesting and much easier to discern.  I will, however, list 3 things that I think make someone a good one-on-one hanger:

1) Wide breadth of knowledge/interest- To be able to converse effectively with different people you have to be sure you’ll be able to find some common ground.  Obviously, if someone has at least a passing knowledge of a variety of subjects, they’re more likely to be able to find at least one shared interest with their fellow hanger.

2) Good listener- This is probably the most important one.  For a two-person conversation to work, both parties have to listen to each other, or else said conversation falls apart fast.  Being a good listener sounds like an easy thing to do, but is actually incredibly hard.  You have to either a) really be interested in what the other person is saying, or b) be willing to act like you’re interested in what the other person is saying.  You don’t have any control over option A, and option B is hard to keep up.  If someone is saying something I’m not interested in, I often find myself drifting off into my own thoughts.  I notice other people doing this, too.  It isn’t a deal-breaker, but you can’t allow yourself to do too much of it or the other hanger will notice and take offense.  What is a deal breaker is when someone clearly has no interest in what you’re saying and is just waiting for their chance to talk.  This is the last person you want to hang with one-on-one, because your end of the conversation is essentially rendered moot.  And, what’s worse, you eventually realize the other person could just as easily be busting this hang with literally anyone else.  In a conversation like this you, and your thoughts and input, are useless.  You could just as easily be replaced by a cardboard cutout.

3) Lack of social ambition- Group hangs are undoubtedly “cooler” than one-on-ones.  If its a friday night and you only hang out with one person, its easy to think of your night as a failure.  That line of thought has been ingrained in us since high school.  If someone has any desire to be “cool” in the general sense of the word, group hangs are obviously preferable.  And most people (myself included), whether subconciously or conciously, want to be cool.  Thus, most people will always be looking for a group hang if they have their druthers.  Hell, the reason bars exist in the first place is to make people feel like they’re in a bigger group.  People want to get out there and see other people, and also be seen.  For someone to be truly comfortable and adept at the one-on-one weekend hang, they need to be at least somewhat immune to the standard human need for group interaction.

These are just guesses really.  Like I said earlier, I think its virtually impossible to predict who you’re going to match up well with for one-on-one hangs.  Maybe science will eventually figure it out.  You can’t stop science….unless you’re the bible.