Change of Venue

Greetings Hatters,

I’ve moved my blog to a new site.  For a variety of reasons that I won’t bore you with, a fresh start seemed necessary.  The content will remain largely the same, as will the format.  Nothing changes but the name, really.  Anyway, I’ll see you over at:

bighatt.wordpress.com

Easy enough, right?

My cat, it has 3 corners

Is anyone looking for a sweet little kitty to call their own?  I’ve got a line on what looks to be a pretty awesome cat.  His name is Glenn Danzig.  I’m actually trying to get my roommate to agree to adopt him and then we can change his name to Glenn Dorsey (my least favorite Chiefs player*).  Granted there is something a little messed up about naming your cat after a player you hate, but this opportunity is just too hilarious to pass up.  In any case, I doubt I’ll be able to sell this to the roomie, so if any of you loyal Hatters**, preferably New York Hatters, want a cat, let ya boi know and I’ll broker the deal.  All I ask is $300……or best offer.

*I actually don’t hate Dorsey so much as I hate what he represents.  Inept front office wasting a #5 pick on yet another fat loser defensive tackle, then juking stats and lying to make him look good so they won’t be exposed as frauds.  And worst of all, the fans bought every word of it.  If you read my Chiefs blog you already know all this and if you dont you probably don’t know or care who Dorsey is, so I should probably quit wasting time on this footnote.  In summary: Glenn Dorsey reminds me of Herm Edwards, Carl Peterson, and idiot Chiefs fans.  Because of this, I will forever dislike him.

**I’ve been trying to think of a lame way to refer to the readers of my blog.  I think “Mad Hatters” might be my Huckleberry, at least for the present.  I’ve also considered “Hattsmen”, “Hatties”, and “Hatt’s Tricks”, but I think I’m gonna stick with Hatters for now.  Although “Hatt’s Tricks” will probably make a return as a post title at some point.

Saturday’s show was a good time.  I’ll confess that most of the crowd wasn’t paying much attention to me when I was on stage, but that was somewhat expected at an event like this.  It was hundreds of people who payed $17 to see 3 hours of music.  Big Hatt yuckin’ it up on stage wasn’t top priority for most of them.  I didn’t really even do that much, honestly.  My intros for the various bands were only about 30 seconds a piece.  This was a pretty big night for the performers, so I basically just tried to hang out and stay out of their way.  My big laugh was supposed to be right before the headliner.  I was playing this character I made up named Jimmy Chubbs, a “Lower East Side Music Legend” and former bandmate of Mike Grubbs, the frontman for the headlining act.  Their band was called “Grubbs n’ Chubbs”.  Anyway, I’m pretty confident the character was hilarious, but I would guess most of the people there probably don’t even remember it.  It was in an intermission between bands, so people were talking, getting beers, going to the bathroom, etc.  I didn’t have the room’s attention, thats for sure.  People who knew me liked it, but I would describe the overall crowd reaction as indifferent.  Still, it was fun, and a ridiculous character like that is more for the people who know me anyway.  After all, ol’ Hatt has always been somewhat of an acquired taste.

Audience disinterest aside, I really like being included in these shows for a variety of reasons.  For one thing, how can I pass up that sweet backstage hang?  Granted backstage hangs are never quite as cool as they’re made out to be, but its still nice to be sippin’ free beers and gettin’ stonay on couches between sets.  Also the owner of Family Records is a pretty savvy guy, and I’m fairly certain there is success in the label’s future, so the fact that he wants to include me in these shows gives me confidence that maybe I’m doing something right up here, however small.  But really what it all comes down to is that getting up on stage in front of a bunch of people is an exhilarating feeling that you just don’t get anywhere else.  That first laugh is the greatest sound in the world, and every time I hear it I feel like I’ve been waiting for it my whole life.  I need to quit this fucking overnight job so I can start doing more standup.  Anybody want to pay my bills?  Uncle Sam?

Selling out for no money

As many of you saw I’m sure, I recently advertised this blog via a facebook status update.  I’m not proud of it, and it was a step I’d been resisiting for a long time, but I think deep down I knew I’d eventually cave.  I mean why not, you know?  On the day I posted that link this blog got 150 hits, which is about 3 times what it gets on a normal day.  I’d like to claim I write this blog to sharpen my craft, such as it is, but in the end I want people to read what I’m writing.  This isn’t a diary, after all (my diary is in a secret, special place you’ll never find).  Still, I’m a little embarrassed to have taken that step.  Feels lame somehow.  Any time I’ve ever seen anyone doing status updates for their blog (or status updates in general), I’ve always thought it seemed a bit desperate.  Like, “hey, look at me!”  Whatever.  I’m gonna continue shamelessly plugging myself for a while and see how it feels.  If it doesn’t feel too dirty, I’ll probably continue.  Please don’t think less of me.  I need your respect.  I have so little else.

Speaking of respect, I ran into David Cross on Avenue A yesterday.  Normally I hate when people drop names of celebrities they see (I rarely see any), but this was a huge thrill for me.  David Cross is easily my favorite comedian.  When people do the “if you could have dinner with any 3 people” thing, Cross is always the first name out of my mouth.  OK sometimes I might jokingly say Tim Curry first*, but you get the idea.  My mind was racing for things to say to him, but I choked a little bit.  I ended up just telling him I was a big fan and had been watching my Arrested Development DVDs earlier that day.  He was polite, but I got the feeling he wanted to be on his way.  Actually when I told him I was a big fan he was like, “Oh, thank you…” and he sounded exactly like Dr. Tobias Funke.  I guess thats just how his voice sounds all the time, but it was a trip nonetheless.  After I was like a block away the gravity of what had just happened hit me and I became positively giddy.  I’m still pretty happy about it.  Although I really should’ve asked him to smoke a batty with me.  I was literally packing one as we walked by each other.  Gettin’ supe to the dupe with David Cross would’ve been probably the coolest moment of my entire life.  Durn.

*I had a show recently where in my email I claimed Tim Curry was opening up for me.  A surprising amount of people believed me, which was weird.  I mean Tim Curry isn’t even a comedian.

While I’m on the subject of celeb spottings, I saw Malin Ackerman today getting off the L-train in Brooklyn*.  She was very small and very good looking.  Her face is downright striking.  It also occurred to me after I saw her that I’d seen her naked: she had a sex scene in Watchmen.  That’s got to be weird for her, or any actress who’s done nudity.  Realizing that any time you go anywhere someone there has seen you naked.  Anyway, she was getting off at my boy Keggers’ stop**, which I thought was pretty cool.  It speaks well of her that she’s willing to hang in Bushwick.  Good for you, Malin Ackerman.

*The fact that I saw two celebs in two days is beyond crazy.  I’ve seen like five since I moved up here.  One time this guy who was in from out of town visiting a freind of mine asked us where we went to “see all the celebrities and hang out with them.”  We were like, “what the fuck are you talking about?”

**I was over there on Keggers’ roof eating burgers and playin’ washers, which is basically my favorite way to spend a summer night.  I went 5-0 thanks to some amazing throwing by a new friend of mine.  Goes by the name of Jim.

Got a gig tonight I’m pretty excited about.  My boy Wes‘ record label, Family Records, is showcasing its finest talent at The Gramercy Theater and he was nice enough to ask me to MC.  It should be a pretty great time.  I’m friends with some of the musicians on the bill, they’re all pretty good, and there should be several hundred people in the crowd, which is awesome.  From what I understand The Gramercy is a pretty sweet venue.  The only tricky part is figuring out how to be funny without fucking up the vibe.  Wes basically gives me total autonomy, which is cool, but he can’t help but be a little nervous I’ll go too far with something.  I’m a bit of a wild card in that regard.  This is a pretty legit show, so standard Big Hatt masturbation and anti-religious jokes aren’t gonna fly.  Neither, obviously, is my really weird stuff.  I’ve done this kind of thing for Wes before, and the best approach, I think, is a minimalist one.  Go for quick, simple laughs, move the show along, and keep the focus on the performers.  I allow myself one ridiculous character at the end, which I have to say I’m fairly certain is gonna be hilarious.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  I’m sure you’re all on the edge of your seats.

Good night, sweet prince

So Michael Jackson is dead.  Have you heard this?  Have you read about this?

This may sound callous, but I am in no way emotionally affected by his death.  Neither are you.  Sure its sad.  Michael Jackson’s whole life story is sad.  But there are a lot of people claiming they’re really upset about this, and to me that smells false.  It actually smells worse than false, it smells…..like farts.

OK, I probably discredited this whole post a little bit there, but I’m serious.   People are acting like this has affected them on some deep emotional level, and I just don’t buy it.  I get a little suspicious any time someone claims a celebrity death has upset them.  I guess I was a little broken up when Kurt Vonnegut died, but not enough for it to visibly slow my roll.  I certainly wasn’t talking to anyone about it.  And thats the real problem here: the talking.

One of the many unfortunate observations I’ve made about humanity over the course of my life is that many of us will stoop to truly despicable levels to garner attention.  I suppose I’m guilty of this as well (I certainly like attention), but I’m not talking about wanting people to laugh at you (which is basically all I ever want).  I’m talking about taking a sad, tragic situation, like someone’s death, and deliberately using it to invoke pity and special treatment.  In other words, making their death about you.  I realize this is a pretty heavy accusation to make, but people do this all the time.

For example, a few years ago when I was a senior in college someone was murdered outside my apartment.  For a variety of reasons it was somewhat of a big story.  I didn’t know the guy personally, but he was fairly well known around the neighborhood.  Because I found his body I became linked to the story somewhat, and people would often ask me questions or want to talk about it.  This got a little old, but it wasn’t that bad.  Like I said, the victim wasn’t a friend of mine, so it really wasn’t a very traumatic experience for me.  I mean it was fucked up obviously, but it didn’t really affect me on a personal level.  The point is, over the next month or so I had no less than 4 girls (I actually think it was 5 but I can only remember 4 right now) tell me Jesse (the victim’s name) was their best friend in the world and that this was the hardest thing they’d ever had to go through in their lives.  It was utter bullshit.  Jesse’s real friends were very upset, understandably so, but they weren’t talking about it to everyone who would listen.  They were dealing with their grief.  Their real grief.  Meanwhile there were imposters all over campus claiming Jesse was literally their best friend.  Best.  As in top.  #1.  Of the multiple girls who told me that, I know for a fact two of them were friends of friends at best*.  It was gross.

*One of these girls was possibly the worst person I’ve ever known.  People warned me about her from the second I started hanging out with her, but I thought she was really hot so I chose to ignore their warnings (and her obviously terrible personality).  I was able to convince myself she was actually really cool and just hadn’t gotten a a fair shake.  After all, she professed to like everything I liked, so she had to be awesome, right?  We eventually parted ways when I accused her of lying about something and she physically attacked me in front of a bar full of people.  It was pretty hilarious, actually.  She was screaming and flailing around, throwing those ridiculous girl punches.  The last time I saw her was about 2 years ago.  She still looked hotter than shit**.  No regrets.

**I should probably mention here that many of my friends didn’t even think she was good looking.  “Too trashy”, they’d say.  Seriously guys, grow up.

What drives people to behavior like this?  And once they behave in this way, how can they live with themselves?  I think the answer is that these people are able to convince themselves, at least on some level, that the tragedy in question actually has been especially hard on them, more so than on other people.  Some guy they know dies, they see a chance to garner attention, and within a few days they have themselves convinced they actually were extremely close with the victim, closer than anyone else can possibly understand.  This justifies their pathetic attention-seeking and leaves them free to lie to their hearts content.  Because in their own eyes, they aren’t lying.  Reality has been completely shifted to meet their needs.

I used to be friends with this guy who, given a day or two, could make himself believe literally anything.  You’d be with him when something happened, and then an hour or so later you’d hear him tell the story and it would be changed slightly.  Then the next time he told the story he’d seize on that small change and enlarge it.  Then he’d cling to it.  A week later the story wouldn’t even resemble what actually happened, but you could tell the story-teller believed every word.  It was really something.  I’d say this guy was a terrific liar, but thats actually not true.  He was a terrible liar.  He was only terrific at lying to himself.  Obviously his brain couldn’t shift the truth in other people’s minds the same way it could his own, so after a while everyone just figured out he was totally full of shit.  I learned a lot from watching this guy in action.  I can’t say I’m a better person for it (unless by “better” you mean “more cynical”), but I definitely know how to recognize that particular type of lie now.  In my eyes its probably the most dangerous, scariest form of lying there is.  Because once someone’s brain figures out how to shift reality to meet its needs, its over for that brain’s owner.  Any chance they had at personal growth, or even realistic self-evaluation, is gone with the wind.  Their brain will have them completely convinced of their own righteousness no matter how deplorable their actions.  It’s like a disgusting fantasyland where a person can do whatever they want and then within days be totally free of guilt, or even real memory of what they’ve done.  The problem is, their actions remain, as do the societal repercussions.  The result is an increasing disconnect from the world in which they live, and an eventual descent into a life of misery and denial.  I literally can’t imagine a worse fate.

Wow, I got a little off topic there.  The point is, I’m not here to criticize the way people express their grief.  Obviously, thats none of my business.  And in any case, I’ve had a pretty easy life when it comes to that.  Both my parents are alive and well, as are all of my closest friends.  I’ve had grandparents die, but only after living long, fulfilling lives.  But when I have been around people who have tragically lost loved ones, they’re generally quiet and sad, as opposed to those who want to shout from the rooftops (usually at a bar) how close they were to the deceased.

So if you really want to mourn Michael Jackson, listen to some tunes on your Ipod on the way to work.  Don’t tell me how much you loved him and how sad you are.  I don’t want hear it.

You’re so Veins

I have a friend named Veins.  He’s famous for his massive, veiny penis.  Gross, right?  Anyway, I had a dream about Veins last night.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to bore you with the trippy details of my dream.  I hate when people do that.  The point of this story is that this was a recurring dream I have where people are turning into zombies a-la 28 Days Later.  I guess it would be more accurate to call it a nightmare.  It’s always me and one other person trying to escape.  This time that person was Veins, who I haven’t seen in probably 2 years.  Weird how the brain does that, huh?

Anyway, I mentioned in passing the other day that I have this recurring nightmare and my buddy laughed at me and told me he hasn’t had a nightmare in 10 years.  And that got me wondering: am I the only one still having nightmares?  I don’t have them often, maybe once every couple weeks.  Always about being chased, usually by zombies of one kind or another.  Occassionally I’ll have some sort of undersea nightmare where gross creatures are chasing me.  They’re usually fairly scary, actually.  Are nightmares something you’re supposed to grow out of?  Is there something wrong upstairs that I’m still having them?  Or maybe its just a product of my constant nerdy ponderings.  Although if that were the case it would probably be orcs chasing me, not zombies.  God knows I’d love the chance to slay a few orcs, if only in dream mode.

Taste Test

I’m pretty bored at work, so I just went down to the corner store, bought a Coke and a Pepsi, and had myself a blind taste test.  The results?  Coke tastes like Coke, Pepsi tastes like Pepsi*.  At some point in my life I’m going to have to stop doing dumb shit like this.

*Same results as when I did this EXACT SAME THING 6 months ago.

So I turn 28 this saturday.  Cool, right?  I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life for this.  Finally, I’m old enough to buy a house and start having kids!  Does anyone have any mulching tips?  Seriously though, birthdays are totally worthless at this point.  So is keeping track of age, frankly.  It can only depress you.  A birthday used to at least be a nice excuse to get totally shitfaced, but I no longer need an excuse for that.  Due to my excessive weight loss, getting drunk is now all too easy.  Most saturday nights I end up getting drunker than I want to anyway.  Shooters, a former necessity, are now something I can barely handle.  On my birthday last year, for instance, I took waaay too many jaeger shots and was completely blacked out by midnight.  Is that fun?  I don’t remember anything, but I’m told I was being a total dick to some friends of a buddy of mine, going so far as to knock a drink out of one of their hands.  I’m hoping to avoid a repeat performance.  Behavior like that is simply not befitting a 28-year-old man, even if he does have the income and maturity level of a 21-year-old man.

Adding to complications is the fact that I have a show saturday.  It’s the last in my monthly series at parkside lounge and I’m expecting a good crowd, so I want to push the envelope a little.  This means I’ll have to get my drink on before the show.  Given that the show is at 8:30 instead of my customary 11:00 o’clock time slot, I’ll probably start tippin’ a few back at about 6.  Early start combined with birthday shooters?  Methinks I’m in for a long night.  Anyone have any tips for staying coherent in such circumstances?

Bullet points baby!

• I won $35 playing poker the other night.  Then I spent it all on dog food.  Now I’m right back where I started.
• Ran into my girl Jewles while taking Stella for a walk the other day.  Apparently she lives in Greenpoint, which is a pretty crazy coincidence.  She looked great, its obvious her new owner (whose name was Laura I think) is taking good care of her.  This makes me very happy.
• I’ve officially become a dog-walker.  Started with my first client this week, a family in Boerum Hill with a huge shepard mix and a black lab mutt.  I really like these dogs, and I love the neighborhood.  I hope to get a few more clients down there.  Walking dogs for rich people in the nicest neighborhoods in brooklyn seems like a pretty sweet gig.
• Getting a new computer for my birthday.  Since I don’t have cable in my new apartment (and might not for quite some time), expect blogging output to increase heavily.
• I’m also getting fresh direct deliveries from my mom and aunt.  I’m really looking forward to those.  I can already smell the fish.  Birthdays, while no longer exciting, are still good for getting presents from my family.  I can usually count on my parents, grandma, and aunt and uncle to really come through for me.  A nice summer bonus.
• Re-read the entire Tolkien library* in the past 2 weeks.  Just as good the 15th time.

*Official middle-earth canon only: Hobbit, LOTR, Silmarillion, Unfinished Tales, Children of Hurin.

Movin’ on up

I moved this weekend. I don’t have to tell you how bad that sucked. Moving is the one thing literally everyone hates. The packing, the lifting, the carrying, the screaming, the arranging, the re-organizing, the sobbing. And the real bitch of it is you have to get someone to help you. And then you owe them big-time. You can get your new roommate to help you, but then you’ve created twice as much work for yourselves because you have to move their stuff too. I’ve moved many, many times (only once lived in a building more than one year) and have never found a way around the total suckiness. You can hire movers, but I don’t think I have to tell you thats out of the budget.

So yeah, it sucked. Whatever, thats boring. I’ll tell you whats not boring though: our new neighbors. They poked their heads out the door and offered us a cold beer as we were moving our stuff. It was pretty refreshing. The thing is though, accepting a beer means you’re accepting a hang as well. So we kicked it for 10 or 15 minutes with this family full of Irish Catholic drunks*. Right off the bat they could tell that I too was Irish, so I think they felt like they were safe among their own kind**. We were about 3 minutes into this hang when the first n-bomb was dropped. Turns out these people are straight-up racist. It was wild. Within 10 minutes of knowing us they had managed to insult just about every group of people on the planet.

*I know they were Irish because they mentioned it at least 10 times in our conversation. Presumably this was to justify their obvious alcohol problems.

**At one point I told them my family came from county Clare and asked where their family came from. They had no idea what I was talking about. The subject was quickly changed.

They were also adamant about us coming over to their apartment for dinner or beers. I think this is because we’re white guys from the midwest. They seemed pretty happy about that. Turns out they also hate tofu eaters, so us being from Kansas City was just what the doctor ordered. The phrase “our doors are always open…..for guys like you” was used more than once. This family occupies 4 apartments in the building, and apparently they grill and drink outside all the time. My roommate was pretty creeped out by our new neighbors (friends), but blatant racism aside, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t planning on having a few beers and brats with this crew. What can I say, the price is right.

Ralph Bakshi

You’re probably wondering about that title, right? Yeah, I knew you were. I’m sitting here watching the old 70s LOTR cartoon movie, and right before it started I the name Ralph Bakshi flashed on screen. Kind of a funny name, I thought. Turns out he’s the director. The movie is strange, dark, and at times oddly psychadelic, so I bet he was out there. I’m actually pretty curious about his life. I wonder what he’s up to now….

The movie is animated, but contains these random moments of half animation/half live action that I’ve never seen anywhere else. And it doesn’t merely tackle The Fellowship of the Ring, it actually ends halfway through The Two Towers, with Gandalf’s surprise arrival at Helm’s Deep. I guess the plan was to make a sequel that covered the remaining book-and-a-half, but it never happened. It’s a shame too, because I really like this movie.

The more well known Tolkien cartoon movie, of course, is the animated version of The Hobbit, with Leonard Nimoy as Gandalf. I bet a lot of you have seen that at one point or another in your life. It was made by different people, and retains a much more light, child-friendly vibe. It came out 1 year before The LOTR cartoon, and is also a 70s masterpiece in my humble opinion. It’s got a great soundtrack, headlined by Glenn Yarbrough’s The Greatest Adventure. Check it out, its a hit.

You might htink we’re done discussing 70s Tolkien cartoons, but you’re wrong. You see, the same group that did The Hobbit made another movie, The Return of the King, 1 year after the LOTR cartoon. Three years, three movies. That must’ve been a great time to be alive. Although, to be fair, the ROTK movie is terrible, and so inaccurate I find it hard to believe it was made by someone with even a passing knowledge of LOTR. It’s also beyond weird that the Hobbit group skipped straight to Return of the King. Why would they do that? Could they have been piggybacking off the LOTR cartoon? Unlikely. The ROTK cartoon came out a mere year later, so they couldn’t have known Warner Brothers would fail to provide a sequel. This is one mystery that is just gonna have to remain unsolved. Unless……is Unsolved Mysteries still on the air?

OK folks, thats it for today. Boring topic I know (unless you’re Sweetums), but I’m gonna try to keep posts shorter and tackle only one topic at a time. This will hopefullly lead to increased posting, maybe 2 or 3 per week instead of just 1. That’s preferable, right?

The Barry Gibb Talk Show

I love the Barry Gibb Talk Show.  A lot.  All in all, I’d have to say its definitely my favorite recurring sketch of the last 5 years.  I consider the sketch to be a continuing work of genius, improving with each episode.  Dick in a Box may be the flagship of Justin Timberlake’s increasingly impressive SNL resume*, but The Barry Gibb Talk Show has always been the real star in my eyes.  If you want 5 minutes straight of hard laughter, it doesn’t get any better**.  Until recently, I thought all my friends felt this way.  This reassuring oasis of mental comfort was ruthlessly destroyed a few days ago by a certain friend of mine.  Who, you ask?  It’s not important.  I don’t want to name names.  This isn’t about that.  I just feel like telling you his name would be counterproductive, all right?  Don’t make a federal case of it.  He’s a friend of mine and I don’t want to cause him any problems.  You know what, fine, let’s just call him David H.

*I know Timberlake has caught some flack for his frequent SNL appearances.  Some people say it seems contrived, and that Timberlake is using SNL to look cool.  That may be true, but SNL is using Timberlake in exactly the same way.  It’s working for both of them.  I’m gonna go ahead and give credit to Timberlake for at least recognizing that SNL is cool.  That’s more than most can say.  And he actually is a pretty good host.  His episode is usually among the funniest in its season, this season being no exception.

** The Michael Showalter Showalter actually might be better.

Me and David H were bustin’ a hang recently and he said he thought I overrated The Barry Gibb Talk Show.  This thought had never occurred to me.  I started telling him all the reasons I thought it was funny, and he agreed for the most part.  He just wasn’t gung-ho about it.  It made me wonder if maybe other colleagues of mine felt this way.  I’m certain all my friends think Barry Gibb is funnier than Dick in a Box.  I gotta believe that.  But I’m interested to hear what people have to say on the matter.  I’m going to start asking people I know their opinions of The Barry Gibb Talk Show.  I’ll let you know when I’ve discovered a consensus.

Anyway, I wanted to use this blog as a platform to extol the many virtues of The Barry Gibb Talk Show.  This will eventually lead to a comparison of Justin Timberlake to Lindsay Lohan, if you can believe that.  Stay tuned!

OK so first of all, I’m a sucker for any good talk show sketch.  I think its basically the best sketch format there is, and Jimmy Fallon’s Barry Gibb is the funniest host character I can think of.  I don’t know what to think of Fallon generally, but he is truly brilliant in this role.  I assume the character has little if anything to do with the actual Barry Gibb, but that makes it funnier in a way.  The weird tension with him and Robin is almost certainly based on nothing, and thats some of the funniest stuff.  The way Fallon says, “Robin please,” is totally hilarious.  And then he’s always got an equally hilarious way of enticing Robin to resume participation in the show.  I would love to have been a fly on the wall when Fallon and whoever else were sittin’ around coming up with this stuff.  They must’ve been laughing so hard when they discovered this bizarre brotherly concern angle.  It’s the same every episode, and its always just as funny as the time before, if not more so.

The duets they do to introduce the guests are obviously incredible, but in some ways I think the random outbursts are even funnier.  Like in this last one when they started doing the karate thing.  At the end they’re basically just screaming, and Robin ends up a little scared.  It’s subtle, but its there.  Timberlake plays the character pretty well in my opinion.  Another subtle touch is that he doesn’t just sing at the same time as Fallon, his voice is usually a little delayed, like he’s not quite sure what he’s supposed to sing.  Like song could break out at any time and he’s just trying to follow along as best he can.  The result is that he occasionally says the wrong word or makes the wrong sound.  Again, it’s subtle, but I actually think its fairly impressive for someone like him to pull off.  Granted Fallon is clearly the star and carries the sketch, all I’m saying is Timberlake does a solid job.  And really, I like the fact that he’s willing to play second fiddle to Fallon on a show he’s hosting.  I think it shows humility.

As David H astutely pointed out, Fallon’s screaming, threatening Barry Gibb character basically just follows the trail blazed by Will Ferrell.  That is true, but Fallon really gets it right.  And certain aspects of the character are totally his own creation, i.e. the weird, halting speaking style and the uncontrolled bursts of falsetto peppered throughout his sentences.  His threats are always the perfect mixture of creativity and perverted violence, and his arrogance (“I sang a duet with Barbara Streisand!”) is icing on the cake.  I also love the brief back-and-forth with his guests that precedes each meltdown.  That aspect was especially good on this last sketch.

Hell, Even the opening song is hilarious.  On multiple levels.  The lyrics (“I’m still gonna talk to you, I don’t care what you say”) are ridiculous, and it goes on for way longer than seems natural.  I remember I was in Quintiles the first time I saw a Barry Gibb Talk Show.  The longer that song went, the more sure I was that I was about to witness something awesome.

OK, I feel like I’m rambling here.  I could go on forever.  There was a specific point I wanted to make.  Timberlake obviously isn’t that funny or cool, and I can’t really say I’m a fan of his.  But he compares pretty favorably to other starts of his ilk.  He allows himself to be made fun of (immigrant sketch), and at least seems to realize what is funny, even if he isn’t.  When he laughed while Fallon was in his face singing that “please talk to your brother” song, it was genuine.  As opposed to Lindsay Lohan’s infamous fake laugh in that Debbie Downer sketch.  She knew it was funny because other cast members were laughing, so she laughed too.  Only hers was obviously fake and wasn’t even during a funny part.  It was sickening.  Timberlake’s laugh was real.  That’s a good start.

The art of the one-on-one hang

As I get older (and crazier), I find myself busting more one-on-one hangs.  Part of this is due to moving away from my cocoon of fellow KC perverts, but part of it is also due to an increasing appreciation for the art of the 2 person tete-a-tete (probably due to getting older and lamer).  If two people are comfortable with each other, they can cover much more ground in a conversation than 4 or 5 people could.  Less clutter, less conflicting views, less interuptions.  Ultimately, more control.  The topic won’t change until you’re done with it.  And you don’t have to worry about leaving someone out.  Most importantly, you know you have your compatriot’s undivided attention, and he/she has yours.  I think it would be accurate to say that as the number of people in a conversation goes down, the focus goes up.  As far as mental stimulation is concerned, this is undoubtedly a good thing.

Of course there are drawbacks to the one-on-one hang.  You can’t bust one with just anybody.  If you’re not comfortable with someone, a one-on-one hang can be downright painful.  And its not just about how long you’ve known someone, or even how close your friendship is.  One-on-one comfort transcends either of those things.  I’ve honestly never been able to figure out what makes such a hang work with one friend but fail with another.  Having shared experiences or common interests obviously helps, but even those can only go so far.  A truly great one-on-one partner has to have those mysterious intangibles.  You don’t even necessarily have to like each other, your brains just have to click in a certain way.

Take my boi Kneedlez, for instance.  Kneedlez is an extremely divisive character who inspires a wide array of emotions among everyone who knows him.  Mention his name around four people, and be prepared for four entirely different reactions.  Is he worthy of respect?  Disrespect?  No one ever seems to agree.  One thing that everyone can agree on, however, is that Kneedlez is one of the great one-on-one hangers of all time.  He relishes a good two person hang, and he can always make it work.  He puts his fellow hanger totally at ease.  I’ve busted many one-on-ones with Kneedlez, and they’re always very enjoyable.  He’s relaxed, affable, and totally in his element.  The conversations are both friendly and stimulating, and there is never a lull or moment of discomfort.  It’s an impressive skill.  What makes it all the more impressive is that Kneedlez, in addition to being one of the great one-on-one hangers of all time, is one of the worst group hangers of all time.  Get the guy in a group of more than 3 or 4 people, and he is visually uncomfortable.  So much so that his discomfort spreads.  He starts shifting in his chair and casting furtive glances towards any and all escape routes.  It becomes obvious he doesn’t want to be there, and his vibe can affect the entire hang.  Its possibly the weirdest social dichotomy I’ve ever observed.

What makes a person good at one type of hang but bad at another?  Hard to say.  It’d be too easy to use the tired old “introvert”, “extrovert” tags.  To me, the more those words get used the less they mean.  When people describe themselves as either I can’t help but think it sounds pretentious.  And neither really apply to this topic in my opinion.

Anyway, I’m not gonna waste time discussing what makes a person a good group hanger, because those traits are less interesting and much easier to discern.  I will, however, list 3 things that I think make someone a good one-on-one hanger:

1) Wide breadth of knowledge/interest- To be able to converse effectively with different people you have to be sure you’ll be able to find some common ground.  Obviously, if someone has at least a passing knowledge of a variety of subjects, they’re more likely to be able to find at least one shared interest with their fellow hanger.

2) Good listener- This is probably the most important one.  For a two-person conversation to work, both parties have to listen to each other, or else said conversation falls apart fast.  Being a good listener sounds like an easy thing to do, but is actually incredibly hard.  You have to either a) really be interested in what the other person is saying, or b) be willing to act like you’re interested in what the other person is saying.  You don’t have any control over option A, and option B is hard to keep up.  If someone is saying something I’m not interested in, I often find myself drifting off into my own thoughts.  I notice other people doing this, too.  It isn’t a deal-breaker, but you can’t allow yourself to do too much of it or the other hanger will notice and take offense.  What is a deal breaker is when someone clearly has no interest in what you’re saying and is just waiting for their chance to talk.  This is the last person you want to hang with one-on-one, because your end of the conversation is essentially rendered moot.  And, what’s worse, you eventually realize the other person could just as easily be busting this hang with literally anyone else.  In a conversation like this you, and your thoughts and input, are useless.  You could just as easily be replaced by a cardboard cutout.

3) Lack of social ambition- Group hangs are undoubtedly “cooler” than one-on-ones.  If its a friday night and you only hang out with one person, its easy to think of your night as a failure.  That line of thought has been ingrained in us since high school.  If someone has any desire to be “cool” in the general sense of the word, group hangs are obviously preferable.  And most people (myself included), whether subconciously or conciously, want to be cool.  Thus, most people will always be looking for a group hang if they have their druthers.  Hell, the reason bars exist in the first place is to make people feel like they’re in a bigger group.  People want to get out there and see other people, and also be seen.  For someone to be truly comfortable and adept at the one-on-one weekend hang, they need to be at least somewhat immune to the standard human need for group interaction.

These are just guesses really.  Like I said earlier, I think its virtually impossible to predict who you’re going to match up well with for one-on-one hangs.  Maybe science will eventually figure it out.  You can’t stop science….unless you’re the bible.